You may well have forgotten that Azerbis would be hosting this year’s festival of flags and sweepstakes- after all, it’s barely in Europe at all (it’s the furthest east European nation, fact fans) and their winning song last year was painfully forgettable (“I’m running, I’m scared”, they sang. “I’m bored, is there a film on”, we replied)
But win it they did, giving them the duty of hosting this year, and they’re using the opportunity to try to get us to ignore the human rights abuses and president Aliyev’s mafia family style government- which is all rather spoiled by the news that the opening act gig has been given to the President’s son in law.
Once the “Hello You Rope” stuff’s done, there’s all sorts of fun in store. Russia for example have sent a “Six Susan Boyles” novelty act- a collection of pensioners (they all fit inside each other) basically singing the Tetris music. If that doesn’t cheer you up, Kurt Cajella from Malta ‘s generic lyrics of hope, cheesy dad dancing and rictus grin certainly will- it gives off the distinct whiff of a low budget, summer months, BBC1 talent show (ironically).
Cyprus have sent something contemporary- the fan community seems to think it's Guetta does Rhianna (albeit round the back of a branch of Wilkos), replete with thumping bass, dramatic stringy bits and even a hooky chorus consisting of the word "La" sixteen times. “Douze points to Cyprus” neighbours Greece meanwhile have sent the same song they always send, this year in Bazouki high heels.
Elsewhere Denmark have mixed Seal's "Crazy", Tasmin Archer's "Satellite" and EBTG's "Missing" and dressed it it up in a silly hat and tassly shoulder pads; Iceland have sent a dramatic, po-faced Evanescence number in a Fairisle jumper; and Macedonia’s “Kaliopi” takes the prize for the entry in 2012 that most resembles the sensation of getting your foot trapped in a car door.
The favourite is Sweden, who this year have resolved to send Tai Chi master "Loreen". She is, it's fair to say, odd- weird hair, strange clothes, a penchant for traipsing around barefoot that should surely tempt the country on before her to sprinkle a few drawing pins around- and a dance routine that mixes martial arts with a Houdini hessian bag escape gone wrong.
There are of course a clutch of Balkan ballads if you need a toilet break, Albania have sent the soundtrack to root canal surgery (Chai!), Moldova have entered some seaside postcard smut with a song about the lead singer's Trumpet (oo-er missus), and the Germans have entered a Radio 2 album track written by James Blunt. James Bloody Blunt! Oh my days.
Turkey does pirates of the Eurovision (me arrties), Spain do a big Celine Dion ballad, and Donny Montell from Lithuania does a song called "Love is blind" IN A BLINDFOLD- a performance that makes the video to Lionel Richie's "Hello" look like a Mike Leigh movie.
The UK, meanwhile, are as complacent as ever- swaggering around Europe, blaming politics for the fact that we do badly every year. In truth, we do badly because we enter rubbish. This year, for example, we’ve plucked 84 year old crooner Engelbert Humperdink (ask yer gran) from his nursing home in Vegas, plonked him in the middle of Baku and asked him to open the whole show. With a waltz.
Still, there’s always Ireland, whose economic crisis has apparently caused then to ditch the shamrock and leprechaun as national symbols in favour of the spiky haired, CAPSLOCK twins Jedward. They’re back for a second year with a more credible song, more fans across Europe, a water feature and less press coverage. Damn those Russian grannies, to be sure!
The Grand Final of the 57th Eurovision Song Contest is on BBC1 on Saturday night at 8.00pm
If you're holding a Eurovision party check out our Eurovision Party Playlist on Spotify, and don't forget to claim your 50% discount off Spotify premium with your NUS Extra Card